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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27458785">In Just Saying It</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisapaige/pseuds/thisisapaige'>thisisapaige</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Castiel Deserves to be Loved (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Coda, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, Domestic, Episode: s15e18 Despair, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Post-Series, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, but after that it is pure, can you believe? :D, it's canon, starts with</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:21:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27458785</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisapaige/pseuds/thisisapaige</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it.</p>
<p>It's time for Dean to learn that lesson. It's time for Dean to be. It's time for Dean to just say it.</p>
<p>Cas taught him that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>598</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In Just Saying It</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's my birthday, so here's a fluffy fix-it (kinda) as a gift!<br/>That's how it works right? I give you a gift? :)</p>
<p>I'm not going to be over Destiel anytime soon <a href="https://thisisapaige.tumblr.com/">so here is my Tumblr to scream about it with me.</a></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The phone buzzed over and over on the concrete floor. It didn’t matter. Dean couldn’t see it. Dean couldn’t hear. Dean couldn’t feel anything at all.</p>
<p>There was nothing but the emptiness.</p>
<p>Sam found Dean there, Jack in tow, asking again and again what happened. Dean couldn’t answer. Dean couldn’t hear. Dean couldn’t hear anything at all.</p>
<p>Except for those words, over and over, again and again, echoing in the emptiness.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s something I know I can’t have.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s in just being.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s in just saying it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>You changed me.</em>
</p>
<p><em>I love you</em>.</p>
<p>And Dean couldn’t say anything. Nothing. He couldn’t speak at all.</p>
<p>He wasn’t sure he ever could again.</p>
<p>No. That wasn’t entirely true. When Dean looked up, when Dean looked past Sam’s concerned expression and Jack’s devastated stare to the place he last stood, there was one thing Dean could choke out, broken, lost.</p>
<p>“Cas.”</p>
<p>⁂</p>
<p>Dean sat up in bed, taking in deep, greedy, breaths of air. He pushed back his sweat-soaked hair and turned on the light.</p>
<p>Nightmare. Another nightmare.</p>
<p>Despite the fact that it was all over, despite the fact that they had won, Dean still had nightmares.</p>
<p>It wasn’t about the final battle. It wasn’t about Hell. It wasn’t about what they lost. It was about Cas. It was always about Cas.</p>
<p>Every morning when Dean woke up he had to take a moment and remind himself that it was all over. Every morning when Dean woke up he had to take a moment and remind himself that Cas was okay. Every morning when Dean woke up he had to take a moment and remind himself that he hadn’t said it back.</p>
<p>It didn’t seem to bother Cas all that much. He was content to spend his days in the bunker, in that time between now and later while the Winchesters figured out what they wanted to do with their lives. It was clear that Cas expected nothing from Dean, that he was fine with the chance to just be.</p>
<p>Cas smiled more these days. The permanent weight was no longer weighing down his shoulders. Cas was happy. Cas was at peace. All Dean could think, every time he saw it, was that it just made Cas all the more beautiful.</p>
<p>And yet, weeks later--weeks after holding onto Cas so tightly when he came back Dean was sure they would never let go, weeks after the people returned to Earth, weeks after they defeated Chuck and saved the world-- Dean couldn’t say it back.</p>
<p>Dean stood in the shower for a long time, remaining himself over and over, again and again, that everything was okay. Once he was properly cleaned up and dressed, Dean went to the kitchen. As he watched the much needed coffee fill the pot, Dean had an epiphany.</p>
<p>Sure, he wasn’t so good with words. Words were never really his thing. Deeds, however, he could do. If Dean couldn’t tell Cas, he could at least show him.</p>
<p>He checked the fridge. Oh good, Sam did go on a grocery run. Dean had everything he needed.</p>
<p>Dean had work to do.</p>
<p>⁂</p>
<p>Cas returned that night, with Jack beside him. Dean met them in the war room and stopped in the doorway. For a second, Dean couldn’t say anything because, for a second, Dean swore Cas glowed.</p>
<p>Sam saved Dean, coming up from behind and asking, “So, how’d it go?”</p>
<p>Cas smiled and, yeah, yeah, he was definitely glowing. Somehow.</p>
<p>“It’s official.” Cas cast his hands wide and did a little bow and oh no Dean was so gone. “I’m human.”</p>
<p>“Well, congrats, man.” Sam walked over to Cas and slapped him on the shoulder. “I’m glad you finally got to make your own choice.”</p>
<p>Still standing in the doorway, Dean couldn’t say anything. Cas was right there, whole, human, happy.</p>
<p>And in love, with Dean, completely, purely, unconditionally.</p>
<p>All Dean could do was stand there.</p>
<p>Sam glanced back at Dean, presumably saw the stupefied look on his face, and took pity on him. “Well, Dean’s been cooking all day, so let’s have dinner. Jack, you can stick around for a while, right?”</p>
<p>“Is there bacon?” Jack asked, earnest.</p>
<p>Sam dramatically rolled his eyes. “Obviously there’s bacon.”</p>
<p>Dean managed to step out of the way for Sam and Jack to move into the next room. Cas trailed behind them.</p>
<p>Just before Cas could walk by him, Dean managed to croak out, “Cas?”</p>
<p>Cas paused, turned to look at Dean, and hummed an acknowledgment. Oh. Wow. Cas had always looked at Dean like that, hadn’t he? <em>Always</em>.</p>
<p>“I, um, I’m--” Dean licked his lips and tried again. “Glad you’re here.”</p>
<p>There it was. That smile that Cas did, the one where he barely changed expression but managed to radiate his joy-- his <em>love</em>, Dean, say it-- from his eyes.</p>
<p>“I am as well,” Cas said, meaning every single word, before he left Dean blinking in the war room.</p>
<p>The dinner was a quiet, yet joyous, affair. For the first time since the finale, all the Winchesters were under one roof, unworried and unburdened. When Dean gathered up the dishes and brought them to the sink, he gripped the edge of the counter and took a deep breath. He listened to his family behind him, chatting, laughing, excited about the future, and had to wipe the tears from his eyes.</p>
<p>They never had peace like this before but now, however, they had so many days like this ahead of them. Dean could scarcely believe it.</p>
<p>But it was true. Dean turned around, seeing Sam light up when he talked about Eileen, seeing Jack laugh freely at Sam being a dork, and seeing Cas-- not wearing the trench coat but the old t-shirt and jeans that used to belong to Dean-- with his chin in his hand as he watched those two fondly, well and truly at peace with himself.</p>
<p>Dean leaned against the counter and spent a moment watching the scene before him, trying to commit the picture to memory. Once he drank his fill, Dean took a deep breath and opened the fridge.</p>
<p>All right. Deed. Show, not tell.</p>
<p>When Dean set the cake in front of Cas-- with blue icing, an attempt at writing “Happy Birthday, Castiel” in green, a smudged outline of a little tie, and a number eight candle on its side because there were not enough candles in the word-- Dean thought for sure that this, out of all the possible things Cas had gone through to choose from, was what finally broke him. Cas stared down at the cake, blinking and blinking over and over again, and it took Dean a moment to realize he was holding back tears.</p>
<p>Sam said nothing. He saw Dean make the cake. He knew better than to say anything about it-- or even come into the kitchen while Dean was working on it-- so Sam pressed his lips together, a secret teasing smile sparkling in his eyes.</p>
<p>Jack, however, even though he had been dragged through the mud and back and lived lifetimes in a year, was still, in fact, a child at heart. “Wait. Cas? It’s your birthday?”</p>
<p>“I don’t have a birthday,” Cas said, his voice soft and disbelieving. “I wasn’t born.”</p>
<p>Dean reached into his pocket. He pulled out his lighter-- his lighter he would never need to use to burn a body in a grave again-- and flipped it open. “Well, you do now. I mean, you’re human today, so…” Dean flicked the lighter, letting the flame grow high, and lit the candle. “Happy birthday, Cas. Welcome to the rest of your life.”</p>
<p>The flame on the candle was a little awkward, being on its side and all, but it worked. Cas watched it flicker.</p>
<p>“Cas,” Jack leaned forward as he spoke, bestowing important knowledge upon them all, “you’re supposed to make a wish then blow out the candle.”</p>
<p>Cas finally broke his stare at the cake. He looked at Jack, then Sam, until finally turning his soft, steady, <em>loving</em>, stare on Dean.</p>
<p>“Everything I could wish for,” Cas said, right to Dean, “is already right here.”</p>
<p>Cas turned back to the cake, like he hadn’t just left Dean completely unbalanced, and blew out the candle. Sam, Jack, and Cas waited expectantly, but Dean couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, all he could feel was Cas’s love.</p>
<p>Sam cleared his throat, loudly. “So, uh, I’ll get some plates.”</p>
<p>While Sam clattered around in the cupboards, Dean snapped out of his stupor long enough to sit down at the table, right next to Cas. A soft, gentle touch on Dean’s shoulder made him shiver. Cas’s touch always made Dean shiver, always sent shockwaves through his body, but now knowing-- <em>knowing</em>-- everything that was behind such a simple, everyday gesture Cas had done a thousand times before made it feel different. Electric.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said.</p>
<p>Dean didn’t look up. He couldn’t. He was afraid that, if he did, he would explode and it would all come pouring out: <em>I love you, Cas; please understand, please understand that, please understand what I’m trying to say.</em></p>
<p>Sam returned with the plates. Dean now had an excuse to stuff his face-- with some of his best baking work because he was a culinary genius-- and not say anything. Instead, he just basked in the company around him, of being surrounded by his family.</p>
<p>Oh. Wow. Cas was right. It really was in the being.</p>
<p>Maybe he should try just saying it.</p>
<p>Dean, once again, grabbed the dirty dishes and added them to the pile. He stood with his hands on his hips and shook his head at the stacks upon stacks of dishes. Now, this right here was true despair. He should get a dishwasher.</p>
<p>“I can help you,” Cas said.</p>
<p>Dean turned toward the voice, noticing that the kitchen was suddenly and strategically empty of any Sams or Jacks. “C’mon, buddy, it’s your birthday. You’re not supposed to do any work.”</p>
<p>“Let’s not call it work.” Cas put a thoughtful finger against his lips. “Let’s call it part of the human experience.”</p>
<p>Dean chuckled, because Cas would always be Cas, and Cas would always be cute. He ducked under the sink to grab the soap then turned on the water. “Well, you know where I keep the towels.”</p>
<p>They worked together quietly, the only sounds were of the sloshing water when Dean scrubbed the dishes and the clink of ceramic as Cas dried and put them away. Cas knew where each dish went and exactly how Dean preferred to store his baking supplies. It was the little things like that, the small little details that showed how much Cas cared, that made Dean’s heart ache.</p>
<p>“Cas, uh,” Dean started, wiping an already pristine glass again, “so, uh, usually when it’s someone’s birthday, you get them a present.”</p>
<p>“If that’s true,” Cas said, accepting the clean glass and wiping it dry, “I owe you and Sam many gifts.”</p>
<p>“Dude.” Dean left the remaining dishes in the water and wiped his hands dry on his shirt. The dishes could wait. They had another day, then another, then another. How about that? “If anything, we owe you.”</p>
<p>“Dean.” Cas closed the cupboard door after putting the glass away and returned to Dean’s side. “You owe me nothing. You know that.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah. I know that. Just--” Dean scrubbed a hand over his face.</p>
<p>“Dean?” Cas stepped closer, his eyes wide and worried, but the last thing Dean wanted to do was worry him.</p>
<p>It’s just in saying it.</p>
<p>“I do have a present for you.” Dean bowed his head, not breaking eye contact. “I mean, uh, if you still want it.”</p>
<p>Cas gave Dean that familiar squinty eyed and head tilted look. “Still?”</p>
<p>“Me.” Dean wrung his hands together, picking at the dirt under his nail because he couldn’t look Cas in the face anymore. He dropped them to his sides and took a deep breath, still not looking up. “You can have it, y’know, what you want. You can have me.”</p>
<p>Cas didn’t move, didn’t speak. Dean knew Cas was still there-- he could always tell when Cas’s eyes were on him-- but the lack of response made Dean’s heart beat so hard he worried he’d pass out.</p>
<p>“But, uh, y’know, you don’t owe me anything either.” Dean knew he was babbling. He couldn’t stop. He needed to fill the silence. “And, um, uh, y’know, I’m a bit slow on the return here and uh, y’know, I haven’t exactly been--”</p>
<p>And Cas kissed Dean.</p>
<p>Woah.</p>
<p>Woah, woah, woah.</p>
<p>Cas kissed Dean.</p>
<p>It was just like that. It was just that easy. It was just a soft little peck on the lips and yet it was everything.</p>
<p>His hands cradling Dean’s face, Cas pressed their foreheads together. “Yes.” He ran a thumb over Dean’s bottom lip. “Yes, I still want that.”</p>
<p>Realizing his arms were still hanging uselessly at his sides and not around Cas as they should be, Dean quickly rectified the situation. Next, he noticed that his and Cas’s lips were going very much unkissed and there was an obvious solution to that. Dean leaned in and kissed Cas exactly as he should have twelve years ago.</p>
<p>To think, they could have been doing this for years. That was okay, though, because now they weren’t scrambling for their lives every day, they weren’t constantly trying to save the world, they weren’t under the constant threat of death. They had another day, then another, then another. How about that?</p>
<p>They could be happy. Happiness was in just being. Happiness was in just saying it.</p>
<p>So, Dean had to say it.</p>
<p>“Cas,” Dean whispered against Cas’s lips, unable to pull back any further, “I have to say something.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to say anything,” Cas said, because of course he would, because he knew Dean.</p>
<p>“Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Just--” Dean placed one more kiss against Cas’s lips before running his hands up Cas’s arms. “Just let me.” Dean held Cas’s face between his hands, making sure they could see into each other’s eyes. “Cas, you’re my best friend. You’re my family. You’re--” Dean groaned. “Look, I’m not so good with the words, okay?”</p>
<p>“You’re doing just fine,” Cas said, a clear hitch in his voice.</p>
<p>“Thanks. Uh, I guess what I’m trying to say is…”</p>
<p>When Dean trailed off, Cas waited. Cas waited, his eyes-- wet and wide and blue-- boring into Dean’s soul, even now, even as a human. Cas waited, and Dean didn’t doubt he would wait forever if need be.</p>
<p>But Cas deserved better than that.</p>
<p>Dean licked his lips and took a deep breath.</p>
<p>It was in just saying it.</p>
<p>Cas taught Dean that.</p>
<p>“What I’m trying to say is…” Dean took another breath. Why was this so hard?</p>
<p>“Dean?” The soft, earnest way Cas said his name-- had always said his name-- was what broke the last of Dean’s walls.</p>
<p>“I love you, too.”</p>
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